Archive | July, 2014

My brain…this is what it’s like in there.

16 Jul

Text message conversation between me and a friend:

Me: Do you ever have a craving for something random and think “OMG I could totally go for some Crystal Burgers right now….I MUST BE KNOCKED UP!” But then you think “No, I’m not knocked up, crystal burgers are just tasty and I’m starving. And possibly low on iron. ”

Friend: YES!! Remember the pickles last week?

Me: Bahaha, that’s right!

Friend: And I was like but wait…I just really like pickles.

Me: I really want a weird fast food burger and fries. Or Taco Bell.

Friend: OMG I love Taco Bell!!

Me: I just didn’t have enough protein at breakfast so I’m hungry and when I’m hungry like this I always want something funky. As opposed to the healthy choice thing I brought for lunch. But then I’m like ::begin internal monologue:: “but I’ll never lose weight if I eat Taco Bell as much as I want. But it’s for the irrational imaginary baby, so maybe it’s ok? I’m already fat, I’ll just tell the Taco Bell people it’s for the baby and they won’t judge me because they aren’t educated enough to know the difference between fat and pregnant. Wow that was really demeaning to Taco Bell employees. What if they have a master’s degree and just can’t find a job because the economy sucks so they got a job at Taco Bell just to pay the bills. Good for them for doin’ what they gotta do! Can you tip Taco Bell employees? But what if they are just pretending to be educated to get tips because they are scam artists and do know the difference between fat and pregnant because they’ve had so many illegitimate children. How will I tell the difference? Maybe the educated ones will have proper nails and not those crazy 5 inch long neon fake nails. I wonder if they get taco meat under those nails. How unsanitary. Note to self to get some handy wipes to keep in the car for when I go to Taco Bell. Jeez, I’m kinda judgmental today. It must be the irrational imaginary baby hormones.”

Friend: I’m not sure how to respond to that.

Me: I’m not either.