Abandoned on Thanksgiving – at least I won’t be called a lesbian again

18 Nov

MY GRANDPA, THE FORWARD THINKER

A few years ago I went on a family trip to see my dad’s parents for Thanksgiving.  They lived in a little po-dunk town outside of Cincinnati, OH.  Theres probably only half a dozen stop lights (maybe less), they shop at Pamida instead of Kroger, the nearest Walmart is damn near an hour away, and the highschool is so small they don’t have a football team.  There isn’t anything to do there, aside from sitting in the back yard drinking beer and watching for deer to come up out of the woods.  We had a great time that year, and I learned exactly how much of a filter my grandfather DOESN’T have.  Right before dinner was served my grandfather pulled me into the livingroom (right in front of the TV, blocking the football), put his arm arround me, patted my shoulder, and the following conversation commenced:

Gramps: Can I ask you something sweetheart?

Me: Sure Gramps, what’s up? (really I’m thinking, oh shit, whats about to come out of his mouth?)

Gramps: Now, I want you to feel you can be honest, because your Grandma and I will love you no matter what.  So just remember that ok?

Me:…..ok….?

Gramps: Are you one of them lesbians?

Me: …………….(blinking in silence)……..No.

Gramps: Are you sure?  Because it would be alright if you were.  We will love you anyway.  We are supportive of the gays.

Me: No, Gramps, I’m quite sure I’m not a lesbian.

Gramps:  Well, I was only asking because, ya know, you don’t keep a steady boyfriend and you don’t wear a lot of makeup.

Me: (not wanting to sound like a whore in front of my Grandpa, and also not wanting to divulge the gritty details of the horrible break up that had happened only a few weeks prior – that my grandparents knew nothing about) Well Gramps, I’m looking for a man, not a boy…and they are all immature and don’t have real jobs…and anyway I’m only 24, there is plenty of time…and I don’t need to put chemicals on my face to look nice…and….

Gramps: O,k Ok, Ok honey.  I was just asking.  Becuse ya know, we would be supportive if you were.  But if you’re not, then that’s OK, too.

Me: Glad to know that, Gramps.  Thanks.  I appreciate it. 

And then I turned, scanning the faces of my dad and stepmom, who were all but crying because they were trying so hard not to laugh out loud, and my Grandma who was just nodding in agreement that, yes, it would be ok if I liked girls.  I walked to the fridge.  I grabbed a beer.  I walked outside.  All the while thinking “What the fuck just happened?” and “Was he actually disappointed that I’m not a lesbian?”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NOT GOING TO BE A TURKEY?

After my Grandma died my grandpa moved to Arkansas to live with my dad and step-mom.  I have been to Thanksgiving there every year since.  Except this year.  This year I have to work on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday of Thanksgiving week, so I won’t be able to make the drive from Memphis to Sherwood, AR to be with my dad, step-mom, step-bro & his wife, and my LGBT supportive grandpa.  I just assumed I would spend the day with my mom and stepdad, but to my surprise, my mother is going to the beach with her friends to shop for Thanksgiving. 

 So…I HAVE BEEN ABANDONED ON THANKSGIVING! 

BLACK JACK AND JACK DANIELS

After looking at all my options…

1.Fuck it, I’ll just make my own dinner and have all my friends come?…Except they will be at their parents house.  damnit!

2. Drive to Arkansas Thursday morning and drive back, full of Turkey induced sleepiness, on Thursday night?  Um, no.

3. Have my dad, step mom, step-bro & wife, and Gramps drive up to Memphis for the day, while I slave over a hot oven? Maybe not so much.

3. Crash someone else’s Thanksgiving dinner?  Now that is a real possibility….

4.  Do something completely different and totally fun with my BFF?  BINGO.

I now have impending plans to stay in a room at Harrah’s casino, where I can play black-jack and drink free whisky and eat the entire crab leg buffet.  For Thanksgiving.  YES!  I figure there’s no time like the present to start a new tradition, eh?  And *hopefully* with all the rednecks in Tunica, Mississippi, no one will pull me aside and ask me if I’m a lesbian. 

~Jessimus

 

 

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One Response to “Abandoned on Thanksgiving – at least I won’t be called a lesbian again”

  1. HogsAteMySister February 8, 2012 at 12:58 am #

    If you were a lesbian, you could get much cheaper room rates in Vegas. Just sayin…

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