Archive | November, 2011

Abandoned on Thanksgiving – at least I won’t be called a lesbian again

18 Nov

MY GRANDPA, THE FORWARD THINKER

A few years ago I went on a family trip to see my dad’s parents for Thanksgiving.  They lived in a little po-dunk town outside of Cincinnati, OH.  Theres probably only half a dozen stop lights (maybe less), they shop at Pamida instead of Kroger, the nearest Walmart is damn near an hour away, and the highschool is so small they don’t have a football team.  There isn’t anything to do there, aside from sitting in the back yard drinking beer and watching for deer to come up out of the woods.  We had a great time that year, and I learned exactly how much of a filter my grandfather DOESN’T have.  Right before dinner was served my grandfather pulled me into the livingroom (right in front of the TV, blocking the football), put his arm arround me, patted my shoulder, and the following conversation commenced:

Gramps: Can I ask you something sweetheart?

Me: Sure Gramps, what’s up? (really I’m thinking, oh shit, whats about to come out of his mouth?)

Gramps: Now, I want you to feel you can be honest, because your Grandma and I will love you no matter what.  So just remember that ok?

Me:…..ok….?

Gramps: Are you one of them lesbians?

Me: …………….(blinking in silence)……..No.

Gramps: Are you sure?  Because it would be alright if you were.  We will love you anyway.  We are supportive of the gays.

Me: No, Gramps, I’m quite sure I’m not a lesbian.

Gramps:  Well, I was only asking because, ya know, you don’t keep a steady boyfriend and you don’t wear a lot of makeup.

Me: (not wanting to sound like a whore in front of my Grandpa, and also not wanting to divulge the gritty details of the horrible break up that had happened only a few weeks prior – that my grandparents knew nothing about) Well Gramps, I’m looking for a man, not a boy…and they are all immature and don’t have real jobs…and anyway I’m only 24, there is plenty of time…and I don’t need to put chemicals on my face to look nice…and….

Gramps: O,k Ok, Ok honey.  I was just asking.  Becuse ya know, we would be supportive if you were.  But if you’re not, then that’s OK, too.

Me: Glad to know that, Gramps.  Thanks.  I appreciate it. 

And then I turned, scanning the faces of my dad and stepmom, who were all but crying because they were trying so hard not to laugh out loud, and my Grandma who was just nodding in agreement that, yes, it would be ok if I liked girls.  I walked to the fridge.  I grabbed a beer.  I walked outside.  All the while thinking “What the fuck just happened?” and “Was he actually disappointed that I’m not a lesbian?”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NOT GOING TO BE A TURKEY?

After my Grandma died my grandpa moved to Arkansas to live with my dad and step-mom.  I have been to Thanksgiving there every year since.  Except this year.  This year I have to work on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday of Thanksgiving week, so I won’t be able to make the drive from Memphis to Sherwood, AR to be with my dad, step-mom, step-bro & his wife, and my LGBT supportive grandpa.  I just assumed I would spend the day with my mom and stepdad, but to my surprise, my mother is going to the beach with her friends to shop for Thanksgiving. 

 So…I HAVE BEEN ABANDONED ON THANKSGIVING! 

BLACK JACK AND JACK DANIELS

After looking at all my options…

1.Fuck it, I’ll just make my own dinner and have all my friends come?…Except they will be at their parents house.  damnit!

2. Drive to Arkansas Thursday morning and drive back, full of Turkey induced sleepiness, on Thursday night?  Um, no.

3. Have my dad, step mom, step-bro & wife, and Gramps drive up to Memphis for the day, while I slave over a hot oven? Maybe not so much.

3. Crash someone else’s Thanksgiving dinner?  Now that is a real possibility….

4.  Do something completely different and totally fun with my BFF?  BINGO.

I now have impending plans to stay in a room at Harrah’s casino, where I can play black-jack and drink free whisky and eat the entire crab leg buffet.  For Thanksgiving.  YES!  I figure there’s no time like the present to start a new tradition, eh?  And *hopefully* with all the rednecks in Tunica, Mississippi, no one will pull me aside and ask me if I’m a lesbian. 

~Jessimus

 

 

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The Cutest Fat Girl.

7 Nov

FAT GIRL.

So, yes, I am a fat girl.  Weighing in 2 1/2 weeks ago at 244.6 lbs., I am technically considered “morbidly obese”.  I hate the M word.  I find nothing about myself to be morbid (except sometimes my sense of humor).  Of course then again I don’t really have any body image issues to speak of.  I was raised as a strong, independent woman and I was taught to “work with what ya got.”  If you’re a fat girl, then hell, embrace that shit and be the cutest/sexiest fat girl there is.  I know how to dress for my body and work hard to avoid the dreaded muffin top at all costs.  I would rather wear a size 18 and look like 16 than wear a size 16 and flood my pants so hard that I look like a 20.  And it helps that my boobs are big enough to distract the eye from my ever expanding waistline and that I have a killer personality.  These two things work like for me like Wonder Woman’s wrist cuffs work for her: deflecting all haters and negative energy (most of the time anyway).  Never the less, 244.6 lbs. is not healthy for a 26 year old woman.  So ladies and gentlemen, I joined Weight Watchers.  I now donate 40 of my hard earned dollars a month so I can have someone validate my minute bits of weight loss once a week and spend countless minutes on my iPhone calculating point values of various meals and snacks.  But ya know what?  I freakin’ love it. 

HOW TO EAT.

I am really learning so much about portion control (how to eat to be full but not eat until I hit the “omg that was so good…I’m gonna ralph” point) and a lot about eating balanced meals and getting the proper servings of fruits, veggie, dairy, and water.  One week in to the program and I had lost 3.2 lbs.  The next week I lost 1.8 lbs., despite the fact that I had drank several beers and glasses of wine and chowed down pretty hard on some Chinese food.  Week # 3 is faring well so far…I feel full and feel much healthier than I have in a long time.  Drinking the right amount of water has really been the hardest part of the whole thing.  Have you ever drunk 64oz of water in your waking hours?  Did you feel like you were going to drown or maybe your bladder was going to burst?  As the days go by I am drinking more and more water and becoming accustomed to the multiple trips to the potty.  But hey, if part of losing weight in a healthy manner involves literally peeing the fat out, I can deal.  

WHO SAYS YOU STILL CAN’T EAT WELL??

I think a common misconception about Weight Watchers is that you have to eat rice cakes and tiny potions of salad for every meal.  Well, I say fuck rice cakes.  I am the type of gal that no one tells me I can’t have something.  SO…I can have whatever I want, I just have to decide if it is worth it.  Is that chocolate chip cookie worth the 3 points it will cost me?  Would I rather spend those 3 points on a glass of wine later tonight? (Translation: “Do I want to be fat or do I want to be a wino?”).  Most of the time I would rather be a wino.  But just to prove that YES! You can eat well on Weight Watchers, I provide you with the following photo of one of the most recent delicious meals I have made…for ONLY 10 POINTS! Whoop Whoop!

 

Steak Tenderloin fillet with shallot-pomegranate-pinot sauce, served with roasted cauliflower and sweet potatoes. And of course, that glass of wine I could have since I didn't eat the cookie.

 
 
 
 Here’s to my first 5 lbs. down!
 
~Jessimus~
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Definition

4 Nov

high-strung

   /ˈhaɪˈstrʌŋ/ Show Spelled[hahystruhng] Show IPA

adjective

at great tension; highly excitable or nervous; edgy: high-strung nerves; a high-strung person.
Origin: 1740–50
Synonyms tense, temperamental; jumpy, edgy, jittery, uptight.
 

 

Gem·i·ni

   /ˈdʒɛməˌnaɪ, -ni/ Show Spelled[jemuh-nahy, -nee] Show IPA

 

pluralnoun,genitiveGem·i·no·rum  /ˌdʒɛməˈnɔrəm, -ˈnoʊr-/ Show Spelled[jem-uhnawruhm, –nohr-]
 
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
Mental Brilliance
Diplomacy
Vivacity
Enthusiasm
Tact
Cheerfulness
humorous and out going
stubborn
 
 
Yea, thats me.